Boundaries: Navigating the holidays with Ease

As we approach the holiday season, the topic of boundaries begins to come up in more sessions. While boundaries are essential every day of the year, they become particularly crucial during the holidays, when expectations, stress, and social interactions test our limits, impact our capacity, and call us to reexamine our boundaries.

External and Internal Boundaries:

In this blog, we will look at boundaries in two ways: (1) external boundaries and (2) internal boundaries.

External boundaries are the limits we set with others about what is and isn’t okay in our relationships. These boundaries help protect our time, energy, and well-being by defining what we will and won’t tolerate in different situations. For example, external boundaries might include saying no to requests that overwhelm us, setting limits on what topics we are willing to discuss or how others can talk to us, or deciding when and how you will spend time with people. Healthy External boundaries allow us to interact with the people in our lives in respectful, balanced relationships.

Internal boundaries are the limits we set about our thoughts, emotions, and actions. They help us stay balanced, focused, and regulated. For instance, internal boundaries include recognizing when we need to rest instead of pushing ourselves too hard, managing negative self-talk to be kinder or more gentle, and taking responsibility for our own feelings without blaming others. These boundaries allow us to be more self-aware, make healthier choices for ourselves, and maintain emotional and psychological well-being.

The Holiday Season

For some, the holidays are a time of joy, connection, and celebration. However, they can also be a time of stress, strained family dynamics, and overwhelming social commitments. The pressure to be present, attend gatherings (potentially with challenging people), and meet others' expectations can strain our limits and lead to emotional and physical exhaustion. It's essential to approach the holiday season with an idea of your internal and external boundaries.

External Boundaries During the Holidays

External boundaries play a significant role during the holidays. This is the season of social gatherings, family reunions, and festive events. We will focus here on managing external boundaries around how you allocate your time and energy.

1. Setting Priorities: Take the time to decide which events and people are most important to you and align with your values. Prioritize those that matter most and politely decline invitations to those you feel obligated to attend. Decide which self-care activities you usually want to maintain during this season and which are optional. For instance, which recovery meetings or fitness classes will you attend or meditate daily while being flexible with your hobbies?

2. Saying "No" with Kindness: Politely but firmly communicate your boundaries to others. Tell them you cannot attend every gathering or take on additional responsibilities during this hectic time. “No” is a full sentence, but when you say, “No, thank you,” it is a courtesy. You also might encounter conversations that feel uncomfortable to you. You can say, “I’m enjoying your company, but can we please not talk about that topic here and now?” or move away from those conversations for a capacity break.

3. Respecting Your Limits: Our limits change daily depending on several factors. Recognize and respect your capacity and limits day to day. It's okay to take breaks when needed, even if it means stepping away from a social event for a moment of solitude to recharge. It’s also okay to change your mind based on the information you have today. You might plan for breaks and permit yourself to take them can make a big difference. You might also plan to have a phrase ready if you need to cancel or leave an event you previously agreed to, such as “I’m not feeling well, I have to rest, but thank you for including me.”

4. Respecting Others' Boundaries: Just as you set boundaries, respect the boundaries of others. Not everyone may be in the mood for a lengthy conversation or to engage in certain activities. Be understanding and empathetic toward their limits too. 

Internal Boundaries During the Holidays

Internal boundaries are equally crucial during the holidays. Protecting your inner world can help you navigate the emotional rollercoaster this season can sometimes bring.

1. Self-Care: Prioritize self-care routines that help you stay grounded. This might include mindfulness exercises, meditation, journaling, recovery meetings, therapy, or engaging in activities that bring you joy.

2. Mental Boundaries: Be mindful of people with opinions and how those opinions can impact you. Remember that you have the right to internally filter information that works for you and leave the rest. It's okay to create internal distance from those who cause you stress or express opinions that do not work for you.

3. Emotional Boundaries:  Be mindful of your emotions and reactions to situations. Remember that you have the right to feel the way you do, and it's okay to express your feelings when necessary but remember to focus on yourself. Phrases like “I feel uncomfortable or uneasy, can take a pause here.” If there aren’t safe people to express your feelings to, you can plan to step away to call or text a trusted friend or family member or journal/voice memo to yourself. Having a space to express yourself openly is essential (even if it is only a voice recording or a piece of paper).

Conclusion

Holidays can be an emotional rollercoaster, and understanding boundaries and limits can help you navigate them more easily. Your capacity to engage, be present, and manage stress may vary from one day to the next, so continue to check in with yourself because all healthy relationships start with our relationships with ourselves.

Authorship: This blog was written by Morgan Levine, LCSW.  Morgan Levine (licensed in MD, DC, VA, PA, CO, and FL) specializes in intensive EMDR and IFS-Informed EMDR virtually or in-person in her office or in Immersive Intensive Retreats. She’s passionate about working with adults who want to heal from perfectionism, overworking, anxiety, depression, PTSD, ADHD, obsessions and compulsions, relationship issues, CPTSD, use of substances or people, attachment wounds, and specific trauma events.

Disclaimer: The information in this blog is provided for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for mental health care or a recommendation or endorsement for any treatment plan, organization, provider, professional service, or product. The information may change without notice. No claims, promises, or guarantees are made about the completeness, accuracy, currency, content, or quality of the information linked. You assume all responsibility and risk for any use of the information.

IFS EMDR Therapy Group is an outpatient therapy group founded by Morgan Levine. We specialize in helping adults struggling with the effects of living in dysfunctional systems move toward healing and wholeness. We provide therapy to address symptoms such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, grief, obsessive and compulsive thoughts and behaviors, including but not limited to using work, perfectionism, substances, relationships, food, etc. We offer ongoing support and EMDR intensives, which are informed by IFS, EMDR, DBT, CBT, Polyvagal Theory, trauma-informed yoga, attachment, and other recovery principles. Our therapists work virtually with clients throughout Maryland, Washington D.C., Virginia, Pennsylvania, Colorado, and Florida.  Morgan Levine also provides trauma-informed consultation to therapists worldwide.